Ramblings about crap in my life.
Posts tagged crappy movies
Blindness
Feb 1st
Here be spoilers, but read on anyway, it’ll save two hours of your life.
I’ve seen a lot of movies dealing with the disgusting behavior of humans stuck in bad situations. When done right I’ve found these movies very interesting; it’s fascinating, and scary, to see how humans may react when they’re able to do what they want, and for a while Blindness seemed to be going in the right direction.
In the movie a lot of people simply starts going blind, and because of a fear of infection they are all quarantined in a hospital. However, Julianne Moore’s character, we never hear her name, can still see, but she fakes blindness so she can take care of her blind Doctor husband. The wards with the blind people quickly deteriorate into anarchy, and the people start turning on each other. As seems to be common in these situation, the strong take control. In this case it’s the horrifying leader of Ward 3. Somehow he gets a hold of a gun, and now his ward is controlling the food rations. Initially they want valuables for food, but when the other wards run out of stuff to barter with, Ward 3 starts demanding something else: the women.
And so, everything is set up for the climax. As mentioned Moore’s character is the only person who’s able to see, and the Ward 3 people don’t know this, giving her a huge advantage. When the control of the food rations started I was looking forward to Moore using this advantage, but even when they start demanding the women she actually does nothing. Instead eight women volunteer to be raped, and at this point I think, okay, this is a part of her plan, she’s gonna go in there and stab the fuckers or something, but no, she just submits herself to rape! At this point I’m just disgusted by the movie, in a Funny Games-kind of way where I know the main character should and is able to stop the fucking madness, but the person does not. I mean, would you rather be raped or risk losing your life trying to save seven other women from being raped? Everyone else is blind for fucks sake, she could just sneak in there, and at least steal the gun! Even killing the asshole leader would seem appropriate, but no, she does nothing, and it doesn’t make any sense. At one point her husband even talks about wanting to just grab the pistol and stop it all. But still, she does nothing. And that’s my problem, because it’s so out of character, it’s so ridiculously stupid, and it ruins a movie that was very entertaining and interesting until this point.
One raping goes by, and another commences. Finally she snaps, and when she then goes in there and kills the asshole it’s too late. It doesn’t make sense. I’ve lost all respect for the movie. Then it becomes even weirder. When everyone finds out the leader is dead the Ward 1 people start blaming the unknown murderer for starting a war. I mean, come on, those people just raped your girlfriends and wives, you did nothing, and now you complain when someone avenged them!
Bad movies is one thing, but when you watch movies that seem to be extraordinary and then suddenly turn around and ruin everything that was built up the last hour, it’s just sad. I mean, if the Ward 1 people had just said “No, fuck you, cocknugget” and started fighting back, when the other guys proposed a mass raping, the movie would’ve been great. Now, when she finally stabs the guy, I didn’t really give a crap, I just felt sad.
Blindness: 4/10.
Indiana Jones and the Kingdom of WHAT THE FUCK JUST HAPPENED?!
May 23rd
Spoilers ahoy.
Like most people I’ve been an Indiana Jones fan since my eyes witnessed the awesomeness that is Raiders of the Lost Ark. Naturally, I had to go see the newest addition to the franchise, with out expecting much though. Since nine buddies from my Film College stay was going to the midnight premiere in Imperial, I decided to catch the train and tag along. I’ve never been to Imperial, so that was an experience in itself, awesome cinema.
After a small, but pretty cool, stage show the movie began, and I was actually enjoying it (and so was the rest of the cinema, since they seemed fit to clap at every single quote/punch/whiplash). I was still entertained though, Ford was great, the small references to the previous movies warmly welcomed, and I even liked Shia LaBeouf’s character. Further more, I bought the ridiculously unrealistic action sequences, the amount of CGI and even the somewhat farfetched storyline about alien lifeforms. But then something happened, and the movie was over. People didn’t seem to comprehend what they had just seen, the intense clapping had suddenly vanished, not a single one, even at the credits, just incredulous looks on the faces of 1000 other Indy fans. The light came on and muttering began in the corners, “Was that an alien… ?”, “Did we just see an UFO rip a temple apart… ?”, “How can we get to George Lucas and rip his head off?”. Yes, there is a full-fledged CGI alien and flying saucer in an Indiana Jones movie. It’s mind-boggling, it’s absurd. These movies have always been on the edge of occult, supernatural stuff, and that’s one of the things that make the series so great. But inserting a fucking living alien that subsequently flies off in its huge spacecraft is just fucking retarded. I mean, what were they thinking?! The movie doesn’t even end properly, the alien just comes to life and flies off!
Also, the story is kind of confusing, the whole treasure-hunt part doesn’t really work, and the last scene, the wedding, ending with Mutt almost picking up the hat wasn’t even funny, considering Lucas’ remarks about making the next Indiana Jones movie with Shia LaBeouf in the leading role. That’s the second great movie trilogy that guy singlehandedly fucks up. Thanks a lot.
Day of the Resident Evil
Jan 4th
Resident Evil: Extinction is supposedly written by Paul Anderson, but he mainly just ripped off Day of the Dead and Mad Max 2, a mix that actually sounded pretty cool, but ended up being quite a mess. You may not have seen Day of the Dead, but the following is taken directly from that movie: A scientist living in an underground, military base is going to be fired, if he doesn’t start getting results. He is trying to domesticate the undead, to use them as a peaceful working force. Just like in Day of the Dead, a zombie is shown operating commonly used objects, and later a superior officer complains that he is losing men when retrieving specimen for the scientist. Also the entrance to the facility is crowded with zombies. The Mad Max 2 part, which is more forgiving since it’s a somewhat common theme, is about the caravan lead by Claire Redfield (the red-head from Resident Evil 2), they even have a school bus, just like Mad Max. Alice is just like Max, she rides around in the desert, looking for gasoline. Another similarity is when the caravan decides to go to “the promised land”, in Mad Max 2 it’s some beach resort, in Resident Evil, it’s Alaska… The infection spread from America, to Europe and even Asia, so why the hell would Alaska be unaffected? Never mind.
Naturally Alice runs into the caravan, apparently one of the caravan soldiers is also in the sequel, because he and Alice know each other. Alice have been running from the Umbrella Corp., but the underground facility just happens to be nearby and it picks up a signal when Alice uses her psionic powers, she’s a total jedi, moving objects with her mind and stuff. The scientist wants Alice’s blood, he’s been experimenting with clones of her, putting them through various tests, but they all died, now he wants the real deal, because Alice’s blood is apparently the cure to domesticating the zombies. No, I have no idea how that makes sense. Anyway, he sends zombies after the caravan, they’re fought off, Alice finds the facility, goes inside and kills the now mutated scientist (he injected himself with what I assume was an experimental sample of the cure).
In the end there’s no real resolution, we don’t get to know what happened to the people going to Alaska and we didn’t find out if Alice’s blood cured anything, but why would it? The movie ends with Alice getting ready to take down the Umbrella organization for good, but, they’re the only ones trying to create a cure, so wouldn’t that be kind of stupid?
Resident Evil: Extinction – 4/10.
Bonus: Stupid use of creative license: The hidden elevator to the secret, underground facility, appears if you step near it’s hideaway. Awesome security, no wonder Umbrella never succeeds.
Review: I am Legend [UPDATE]
Dec 27th
This article contains spoilers.
"In I am Legend a plague has killed most of humanity and transformed the rest into monsters. In New York City a lone survivor (Smith) struggles to find a cure."
The first 50 minutes of I am Legend are incredible, you’re immediately sucked into the desolate, post-apocalyptic world of New York City as we follow the every day life of Robert Neville and his dog, Sam, hunting, transmitting emergency messages, "renting" movies at the local video store and trying to avoid the infected "Dark Seekers". In nightmarish flashbacks we’re presented to his former life, in a deteriorating world some years prior.
We quickly start to find out that the infected are smarter than Neville initially thought, they set a trap for him and set infected dogs after him. He manages to kill them, but not before they seriously injure Sam, who’s infected as well. In an extremely emotional scene Neville tries to save the dog by injecting her with a possible cure, but he quickly realizes it isn’t working, and is forced to strangle his last friend as Sam starts to mutate. He is heartbroken and his desperate longing for human contact climaxes when he goes to the local video store and sobbingly begs a mannequin to start talking to him.
In a fit of rage he goes off to kill some Dark Seekers, probably with the plan to commit suicide as well. You know something big has to happen at this point in the movie, and the easiest way out would be to introduce other survivors. This was exactly what I was hoping wouldn’t happen, I love the abandoned, post-apocalyptic world, and now that Neville is totally alone it could be even more interesting to follow him, unfortunately an introduction of survivors is exactly what happens. A woman (Anna) and a boy saves Smith and brings him home, unfortunately the Dark Seekers follow them and launch an attack on the house.
The movie ends with a weird epiphany, Neville believes there is a god after all and that Anna was sent to him, to take the cure to other survivors. The ending is horrible, not only is it a typical Hollywood ending, it doesn’t make sense either. He becomes a legend because he sacrifices himself and cures everyone, in contrast to the genius, original ending, in which Neville becomes a legend because the "still-living" (infected humans who are partially cured), see him as a horrible, mythical monster, because he kills them and can walk in the daylight. Thus, they punish him for his crimes against their new society. I didn’t know the ending of the novel before I saw the movie, and after reading about it, it’s even more obvious that they didn’t have the guts to make the movie anything else than what it is; a Hollywood blockbuster. Even if they didn’t want to copy the ending from the original, they could’ve still focused on the intelligence of the infected and Neville’s effort to make a cure, without introducing the survivors. Still, it’s worth watching because of the first half and Smith’s superb acting.
I am Legend – 6/10.
[UPDATE]
I can’t believe I actually gave it 7/10, anyway, I’ve changed it now. However, the movie does indeed deserve a 7/10, if you ignore the ridiculous Hollywood ending and consider the alternate one instead. It makes a lot of connections to the ‘legend’ part of the book, just what I missed, and it would really have made the movie a lot better.
The Seeker is a piece of shit movie
Nov 17th
I feel compelled to blog about movies that suck ass, and that's why I'm here today. I'm frustrated and getting your frustrations on paper usually help, so here we go. Synopsis: "On his 14th birthday Will Stanton (Alexander Ludwig) finds out that he is the last of a group of warriors – The Light – who have spent their lives fighting against evil – The Dark. Will travels through time to track down the signs that will enable him to confront the evil forces. The Dark is personified by The Rider (Christopher Eccleston)." The movie starts off pretty good, Will seems like a good guy, and the setting in a small, English village is pretty nice. The suspense start when Will is kidnapped by two security officers. As they investigate him about the signs, they slowly turn into monsters and eventually crows, that fly after him. It's a nice, scary scene, but after that it goes down hill very quickly.
The Powers
I was pretty excited when one of the Old Ones, Merriman, tells Will that he has super powers, but that feeling goes away pretty fast. He's got super human strength, telekinesis and the ability to control fire. He uses these powers to push his brothers, flirt with a girl and blow cars and stuff up when he's angry. Why give him powers if he doesn't use them? Also, when he's told he's got powers, he goes "can I fly?", and you just have time to think "fuck, that'd be awesome" before the other guy says "of course not." Meh.
The Signs
Apparently who ever hid the signs "all over the world" didn't really give a shit and hid them at random places around the village. Places where Will just happen to be at the right time. The first sign is a necklace inside a big mall, for fucks sake. Also, the last sign is not an object, it's something that "isn't hidden from him", and what do you know, the last sign is himself. Wauw, I didn't see that one coming. Fuck you, script writer. Another thing, they have a castle The Dark can't enter so why didn't they just hide the signs in there?
Time Travel
Will travels through time to find the signs. Initially it sounds pretty cool, but it actually sucks. The first time travel is to a dark church in the 13th or 14th century, and all you see from this time era is from within the church, it would've been cool to actually see some more of this world, but I guess not. In the scene the group is attacked by something, one of the Elders thinks it's a dragon, and you immediately go "holy shit, it would be awesome if they were attacked by a dragon", but alas, the director would rather disappoint the audience once again, so he sends in an old lady who turns into snakes. Snakes that don't really attack anyone, but just kinda cuddle with you. Oh, also, Will is saved by a corpse. No, it doesn't make any sense, and yes, the director is an idiot. The next time travel is to some village being pillaged by vikings. One of them seems to be the chief, and he's got one of the signs on his shield, so Will follows him to his boat, and the chief sees him and throws him into the water. The chief picks him back up and it looks like he's about to cut his head off, but then Will's digital watch starts beeping, and apparently the chief wants it, so Will fucking trades his watch for the shield. Why THE FUCK didn't the viking just kill the snotty kid, take the watch and go back to raping stuff? So, in the next time travel he goes back to a small market place in 1690. The sign is a small object attached to a feather, it seems to be the prize of a cock fighting competition. He goes back to his own time, and in the bar that had the competition he find a glass case with a plate saying "Champion – 1690" and the winning chicken, stuffed. Don't ask me why they chose to stuff this very cock (it couldn't have been the only competition, right?), don't even ask me why they would stuff the fucking cock in the first place.
The Dad's Thesis and The Rider aka. The Dark
Will had a twin brother, who disappeared when they were infants. At the same time the dad was writing a thesis about light and darkness, we see his documents about this several times throughout the movie, and the father seems troubled about continuing the work. It seems obvious that it's got something to do with The Dark, but you never get to know what it's about, and he's apparently only hesitant about his work, because he feels that's the reason he didn't protect the twin in the first place. What's even more ridiculous is the fact that The Rider kidnapped the twin, and held him hostage for 14 years! He says himself that he's annoyed he took the wrong twin, this raises a lot of questions. First of all, how the hell did he know that one of the twin brothers was the last member of The Light? Also, why did he kidnap one of them, why not just kill them both? Throughout the movie he's got a lot of opportunities to kill Will, but he doesn't, until the end. He's supposed to be this incredibly evil guy, who's trying to destroy the world, and all he had to do to accomplish that was to kill the boy. Instead he tries to force the boy to give him the signs, since the boy is the only person who can find them (which is why he should get it over with and kill him). He's also one of the least intimidating villains I have ever seen, when he's not dressed as The Rider, he's this geeky doctor with glasses.
The Ending
In the end we have the cliche battle between good and evil. The Rider has started a snow storm (again, why not approach the boy and slice his head off?) so everyone in the village is hiding in the Old Ones' castle, a place The Rider can't enter. But apparently he can still use his powers inside the house, because he creates these big icicles in the ceiling, and instead of just letting them all fall, killing everyone in the room, he lets them fall one at a time, so they have enough time to wake up and run. We also know that The Rider has an accomplish, and once again the script writers takes a dump on the plot line and reveals the incredibly cliche and pretty fucking stupid fact that the sweet girl-next-door was actually an evil bitch. Will is almost convinced to hand the signs over to her (because he's a twat), but she gets aggressive so he decides not to. Smart move. Then we get to the final battle, they're in the same castle, just back in time, as mentioned, The Rider can't enter the premises, but he masks his voice and acts like he's Will's family, and since Will is retarded and seems to have no will to live, he opens the door. When you think The Dark has won (all the Old Ones and Will has been thrown into a hurricane of shadows or something like that) Will realizes he's the last sign, with all the signs he can now defeat The Dark. The Rider is triumphantly enjoying his victory when Will walks into the room saying something like "I am the last sign, I am the seventh son of seventh son", I wasn't really paying attention, since I was laughing hysterically at this point. As he says it The Rider falls off his horse… Then Will swallows the darkness with this hand (yes, it's very anticlimactic), the twin is saved, and everything is fine.
The Seeker – 2/10.
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